I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Houston, we have a squirter
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
