he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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