He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
