she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize