wakey wakey hands off snakey
time to smoke my breakfast
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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