Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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