I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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