So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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