I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
