This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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