when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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