Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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