I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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