i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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