You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
