You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
