how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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