Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
