he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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