highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
