Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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