just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
