Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
