i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You may now shotgun with the bride
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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