I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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