I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
