I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Randomize
