after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
