Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
