It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
