I've blown a few things in my day
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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