I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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