she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
