whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
