Why does Corona taste like a burp?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
