I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
