I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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