there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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