I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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