ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
