When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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