none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I pour the whiskey from now on
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
