what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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