I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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