i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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