So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I came so hard my ears popped.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
