I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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