I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
