At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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