I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
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