I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
