well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
