I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
