i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
