Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I touched a dick in church today
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
