i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
