So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
