At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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