The maid of honor just puked.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Your dad touched me again.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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