you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
